Grief & Bereavement

Some feel everything in one day, and others over weeks, months, or years. Even when a death has been expected, knowing that someone has died can take time to feel real. We may find ourselves continuing to think about the person, expecting them to call, or longing to tell them something. Or we may not think about them at all.

Sometimes people worry they are grieving “the wrong way”. But there is no right emotional response to loss. Our relationship with the person and the circumstances of their death will shape our feelings, and thoughts. Sometimes grief can be complicated. It can also be exhausting. Julia Samuels in Grief Work explains "The brain reads loss as danger and keeps stress hormones high and heart rate raised for weeks, so even asleep we never fully stand down."

Some theorists believe it can be helpful to find a new way of relating to the person who has died. This is sometimes described as a continuing bond. We might talk to the person we are missing in our thoughts, cook something they loved, or tell stories about them.

This is based on the idea that grief can be an experience of learning to hold many things at once: perhaps the pain of someone no longer being here, the anger they are gone, or the continuing significance of their life. Dennis Klass believed "Grief is the process of constructing a new relationship with the deceased… to carry them with us as we move forward into the rest of our lives.”

Another approach supported by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut is based on the idea that those who cope best do not grieve all the time. Alternating between facing the pain and deliberately stepping away from it is called the dual process model. It can be helpful to rest between grief, to see friends, exercise, watch a favourite film.

In some cultures and religions grieving is a collective process, a community experience but for others it is something that is experienced in a solitary way. If you think you might benefit from having someone alongside you being fully present for what ever you are feeling, therapy can be helpful.

There is now much written about grief, for example, Julian Barnes 'The sense of an ending', Max Porter 'Grief is the thing without feathers', and Joan Didion 'The Year of Magical Thinking ' . Irvin D. Yalom says “mourning is the price we pay for having the courage to love others.”

Terms

• Grief is the normal reaction to loss, which can be physical, mental, or emotional.
• Bereavement is the period of time after a loss in which a person experiences grief and mourning.
• Mourning is the process of responding to and living with loss.
• Anticipatory grief – mourning a loss before it happens, often in the context of illness.
• Delayed grief – emotional responses that emerge some time after a loss.
• Disenfranchised grief – grief that is not recognised, acknowledged or supported by others.
• Ambiguous loss – loss without clear resolution, such as estrangement, dementia or an unresolved disappearance.
• Complicated or prolonged grief – persistent and intense grief that significantly affects everyday life.
• Cumulative grief – experiencing several losses, sometimes without sufficient time to process each one.
• Non-death losses – mourning changes in identity, relationships, health, independence or life circumstances.